“Is that what you really want, or did nobody ask you? Is that what you really think or did nobody care? Is that who are you really are or did nobody notice? Is that what you really want or did nobody dare? Are these your most precious dreams, or did you leave them behind you, when you were a young one just to get through?” Lyrics from “Is That What You Really Want?” by Libby Roderick
What are your deepest, most precious dreams? Are they so buried that you have forgotten what they are? Or do they see the light of day but get buried again? Do you begin to pursue your dreams but negative thinking stalls the movement or you get sidetracked by other things? Is your light and passion hiding deep within you—or are you letting it shine and be free?
I work as a psychotherapist and I see my role as supporting my client’s light and passion to shine. I utilize breathwork and a psychospiritual process called Inner Bonding. In Inner Bonding we talk about the core essence—which is that bright shining light that you came into the world to be—it is your special creativity, your gifts, your unique intelligence, your caring, lovingness and compassion. If your parents were not connected to their own unique essence and living from their essence, they could not see or support this in you. They couldn’t see you clearly because they weren’t able to see themselves clearly. In response to this most people develop what Inner Bonding refers to as wounded adult child parts to handle the environment with their disconnected parents. The core essence than goes in hiding because of lack of support and the wounded adult child parts take over.
The wounded adult child parts absorb the fears and false beliefs that the parents have. Some of the false beliefs are: 1. I’m unworthy just as I am—I have to be perfect to be loved 2. My worth is dependent on my performance—if I perform well I’m O.K. if I don’t I’m not O.K. 3. I have to be what others want me to be to get love 4. If other people are unhappy or upset it’s my fault and I have to do something to make them feel better. As you can see these false beliefs lead one to be very outwardly focused—defining one’s worth through what other people think. When our focus is more on what OTHERS think we lose connection with what WE really think and who we really are (which is our core essence). This covering over of one’s core essence is exactly related to the disconnection with one’s dreams and passions. Our core essence contains our true dreams and passions—our special purpose for being on the planet. The process of Inner Bonding involves developing an Inner Loving Adult who can heal the false beliefs of the wounded adult-child and allow the true self, the core essence to come forward.
An Inner Loving Adult is essential in being able to fully allow the core essence to be expressed. Most people don’t have a loving adult operating within themselves on a consistent basis; they are mostly operating out of wounded adult aspects of themselves.
That is what is happening with the three-quarters of the people on the airplane with the flat energy—there is no loving adult taking action on the passions of the core essence—they are only operating from the fears of the wounded adult child. The light-bulbs—the alive and passionate people– on the other hand are able to be the loving adult and tune into the voice of their core essence –and take action.
An example: Let’s say you knew your core essence wanted to dance to express itself creatively—if the wounded adult child was in charge the inner dialogue would sound like this: “You can’t dance—You know how uncoordinated you are—You will make a fool out of yourself—What will people think!” If there was an Inner Loving Adult the dialogue would sound like this: “I will fully support you to dance because I know how much you want to do this—Let’s just go and express ourselves and have fun—it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks—I will be there to talk lovingly to you as you try new things-it’s O.K. to make mistakes, that’s part of learning!” As you read the different dialogues can you feel the difference in your body? The first dialogue is harsh and critical and stops any creative energy—whereas the second dialogue is loving and accepting—supporting this creative energy to be expressed. You can see if the wounded adult child is in charge that many of the dreams and passions are not going to get very far with this kind of critical inner dialogue.
I suggest to people that their job as the Loving Adult is to really tune into their core essence—tune into what they really want in this deepest part of them—and than to not lose sight of this—this is their deepest truth. Their job is to take action on these deepest dreams and desires. What is important is that you pursue these dreams not that you succeed at them. What do you mean—you ask? The wounded adult child self is concerned with outcome, performance, success/failure—because these are the ways to seek validation of the self. The Loving Adult supports pursuing a dream as a way to express the self –for the joy of expressing—not for a particular outcome. The Loving Adult sees the beauty of the core essence and does not need others to see or validate it.
An example: When I was a child I loved to play out scenes from movies with my friends. I would be the director and have them act out different scenes that I was seeing in my mind. I loved this and it felt very natural for me. It was my core essence expressing itself through the creation of movie scenes. My loving action as a loving adult is to pursue this passion in some form to continue this expression that I was so connected to as a child. If my wounded self gets focused on outcomes it may say something like, “Do you know how hard it is to make films and to get into this field—What are you thinking?” But if I pursue this from my loving adult the outcome is irrelevant—it is the joy of doing what I once loved again that is important.
She was able to see this and attend to the fears of the wounded self directly and make plans to reassure/calm her fears so she can stay on track with following her true dream, which is to move to a warm climate. Won’t you let your light shine!
Shelley Riutta MSE, LPC is a pioneer in the Holistic Psychotherapy field. She specializes in Transformational individual counseling, Presentations and Workshops. For her free Workbook “What Do You REALLY Want: Finding Purpose and Passion” and free monthly tele-classes visit her web-site at http://www.RadiantLifeCounseling.com/